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Research shows that the median age for divorced women is 41.9 years. That is a long time to build a life that includes friends, unique experiences, knowledge, and a family. After dedicating years to the structure and schedule of a marriage and family, divorce can leave you with an unfamiliar amount of freedom that can cause an identity crisis.
Divorce has sometimes been referred to as “social death” because it can disrupt a shared identity, daily routines, social relationships, and plans. It also leaves something many people have not had in years: time. For someone who has spent decades making decisions around a spouse and children, deciding what to do with that time can be surprisingly difficult. One place to start is by “dating yourself.” Refocus on what interests you, what makes you happy, and what you want your life to look like now.
Find Your Way Back to Yourself
Marriage and raising children also require plenty of compromise. Over time, those compromises can become so routine that you may forget which choices were yours to begin with. Maybe you stopped running because weekends became soccer tournaments. You stopped seeing certain friends because family dinners took priority. You put off taking a class, traveling, or pursuing a hobby because something else always needed doing.
Divorce gives you the chance to ask, “What do I want?” a question that may have been missing from your vocabulary for a while. Think about the things you enjoyed before your life became organized around family obligations. Call the friend you have not had time to see. Go back to the creative activity you abandoned. Take the class you kept postponing.
You are not trying to recreate the person you were at 25 or recover your old life. Some of the things you once loved may no longer interest you. Others may feel surprisingly familiar. The point is to give yourself enough time and space to find out. After years of making decisions based on what worked for a spouse or a family, it can take some practice to make decisions simply because they work for you.
Take Yourself Out
Dating yourself isn’t about pretending you don’t want companionship. It is about getting comfortable making plans, going places, and enjoying experiences without waiting for someone else to join you. Start small. Get dressed and take yourself out for coffee. Bring your phone or a book if you need a little security blanket. You can retreat into your screen or your book when you want to, but you are still out among people. When you are ready, try an early dinner and sit at the bar instead of taking a table. Bartenders and waitstaff can be great conversationalists when they have a few minutes, and you may find yourself chatting with little effort.
Give yourself the same attention you would give someone you were taking on a date. Put on the outfit you save for a special occasion. Wear the shoes you like. Order something you want. Pick a restaurant because you like it, not because it is convenient for everyone else. The goal is to rediscover what you enjoy, get comfortable making your own plans, and remember you don’t need a companion to have a good time.
Make New Friends Without Making It Weird
Friendships can become casualties of divorce, particularly friendships built around couples. Some people will remain close. Others will drift away.
This is one of the times when it helps to say yes more often. Accept the invitation. Join the group. Volunteer. Adult friendship requires considerably more effort than it did in college, where roommates, college parties, and classes gave you access to new people daily.
No new friendship must become a lifelong relationship. Some people will be part of your life for years. Others may introduce you to something new or fill an hour with interesting conversation. That is still worthwhile.
Take a Serious Look at Your Money
Dating yourself should include understanding your financial situation, especially after divorce. Data shows women experience an average 30%-41% drop in household income after divorce. Many women have spent years thinking about household finances rather than their individual financial future. Divorce is a good time to take a fresh look at income, expenses, retirement accounts, investments, insurance, debt, and taxes and understand what all those numbers mean for the life you want to live.
It may feel overwhelming, but it is a good idea to start putting real numbers to what you want to do. If you want to travel more, help your children with college, or retire at a certain age, determine what those choices will cost. A divorce settlement may resolve the financial issues between spouses, but it does not tell you whether you can afford the life you want at 55, 65, or 70. Make time to meet with the right financial and tax professionals, review your retirement plan, and understand your post-divorce financial picture. It may not be as exciting as booking a vacation, but knowing where you stand financially helps you decide where you want to go next.
Do Not Make Another Relationship the Assignment
There is nothing wrong with wanting to date after divorce. There is no magic waiting period, either. A recent Psychology Today article notes that emotional readiness matters more than an arbitrary amount of time after divorce. Before jumping back in, ask yourself why you want to date. Are you genuinely interested in meeting someone, or are you trying to ease loneliness, prove something to your ex, or reassure yourself that someone finds you attractive?
Dating can be fun, but it is also a chance to learn more about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Take some time to think about your last relationship, including your own choices, the boundaries you may have ignored, and what you would do differently. You have already spent years learning what does and does not work for you. There is no reason to throw that knowledge away simply because someone charming happens to buy you dinner.
Your Life Is Yours to Design
Divorce is about untangling the life you shared. There are houses to divide, accounts to value, parenting schedules to create, and financial obligations to address. Those things matter, but they are only part of what happens after a marriage ends. Eventually, the legal case is over, the paperwork is signed, and you are left with something no judgment or settlement agreement can determine.
That answer does not have to come immediately. After years of making decisions around a spouse and family, it can take time to figure out what you want for yourself. Dating yourself is one way to start. Get curious about your own life again. Pay attention to what makes you happy, what interests you, and what you have been missing. You may discover that being single is not simply the space between one relationship and the next. It can be a life of its own, and one you have a say in creating.
Attorney Rebecca L. Palmer, Esq., focuses on family and marital law and is the Managing Partner of the Rebecca L. Palmer Law Group. She may be reached at rebecca@rlplawgroup.com.