Divorced Dad to Divorced Dad,
As we approach Father’s Day, we thought it would be appropriate to touch on some heartfelt issues that dads out there have come across when the reality of divorce hits them. So, we reached out to past clients to get their take on the events that occurred during and after their divorce, to hopefully help others that could benefit from their experience and potentially sympathize with their sage advice. (Please note that we have removed names to protect their privacy).
1. What was your biggest fear regarding your child(ren) when it came to your divorce? Were you able to overcome that fear? What was it that helped? Or if not, is this something on which you’re still working?
“My biggest fear was that the divorce would cause my son to change from the sweet little boy he is, and become a depressed and angry boy like I have seen happen to other children who have gone through a divorce. I was able to overcome the fear by showing my son the same love and support that I have always shown, as well as communicating with him, and paying even closer attention to his actions and inactions. It is something that I continue to work on daily within myself, as well as with my son. I always ‘keep my ear to the pavement’ and pay attention to my son and how my son is doing.”
“As a father entering a divorce that I did not want, the reality was that things were going to change. I did not want to lose my wife and my family, but some things are out of our control. The heaviest fear on my heart was losing the access to my only child, my daughter. One of the greatest joys of my everyday existence was coming home from the office and have my little girl greet me with a big hug and the story of her day. We would sit and talk and connect in those precious moments. It would be like we were never apart. I thought with the divorce that I was going to lose those special times, because it would be relegated to only experiencing such times every other weekend because my wife would have the majority of time with my daughter. After sitting down with Rebecca Palmer and her team, my fear was erased when I found out that I had a very good chance of sharing custody of my daughter on a 50/50 basis. While I would rather have her a 100% of the time, not losing the most important person in my life completely or for a large majority, helped.”
“My biggest fear really was how it would affect them in the future as behavioral issues may arise. At this point, I’m trying to be the best role model moving forward and trying to juggle equal time with both of them, while not leaving one of them feeling resentful of the other.”
2. Do you feel that the legal system was supportive? Or did you feel that because you’re the dad that sometimes the system tends to favor the mom?
“Honestly it never really got to the point of the legal system getting involved and making decisions for us. That being said, there is still a preconceived favoritism towards mothers, even when the father is a “good” dad.”
“My initial thoughts were that this was going to be dramatically geared towards my wife. My thoughts were that I wanted to stay working on the marriage, her thoughts were not. She just wanted out and it seemed to me, as it still does, that getting out of a marriage, while painful and emotional, is quite easy. The legal system is set up that way, and I found that out, to my disappointment. I do feel that the system seems to favor the mom, and I get that completely and accept that as probably a sound practice. Dads, for a majority of families, have the greatest ability to earn income. Many moms sacrifice their careers to raise the family. While not fair to moms, it is the current reality in many cases. The value of holidays, the feeling of coming home to an empty house, and not being able to take the kids out for normal activities like before…it still bothers me.”
“I think the legal system has the best interest of the kids moving forward. Although, I would have preferred more equal time in my situation, my ex is at least working with me as situations arise.”
The value of holidays, the feeling of coming home to an empty house, and not being able to take the kids out for normal activities like before…it still bothers me.
3. After your divorce, what was the hardest struggle for you when it came to adjusting to life as a single dad?
“Establishing a routine that both my son and I were comfortable with as well as making new friends who have children around his age as most of the friendships developed during the marriage were because of my ex-wife.”
“The greatest struggle for me was the fact that I lost my best friend, my partner in life, the one who I could fall back on and vice-versa. I find it in the little things like running late to pick up my daughter from school; you can’t call mom to help. I find it when needing something from the store like a gallon of milk; one of us would grab it but now, it is only me. Extra-curricular activities now fall fully on my shoulders. Surprisingly, the chore side of things has actually gotten easier. House cleaning, laundry, meals, school lunches, and such are periods of cathartic reflection of how these actions are really an expression of love for the ones you are doing them for. . . which is normally my daughter. It does get easier as you go along.”
The greatest struggle for me was the fact that I lost my best friend, my partner in life, the one who I could fall back on and vice-versa.
“Holidays, the feeling of coming home to an empty house and not being able to take the kids out for normal activities like before…it still bothers me.”
4. If you could go back to when you were writing your parenting plan, would there be anything you would change, add, or delete?
“I would change how Christmas Day is handled, even though I get to see him every Christmas Day, it is not until noon; therefore I’ll never have another Christmas morning, and that upsets me.”
“I am pretty happy with the parenting plan. I’m not a great fan of how the holidays work because I have a feeling of wanting my daughter all the time. But when I look at it through the eyes of my daughter, while sometimes difficult for her, she understands that both her parents love her and she adjusts. I am very happy I insisted that the religious education and attendance to Mass/Church was required by my wife. That is a very important part of my life and that of my daughter.”
“In my situation, my ex and I don’t hate each other; while I hate what happened, I feel that we’re working on things together in respect with time with the kids on certain activities where it may not be ‘my day with the kids’.”
5.For a dad out there currently going through a divorce, what is some sound advice you would pass along?
“Stay calm and put your child(ren) first and yourself second when making decisions that could affect them in any way, directly or indirectly. Keep in mind that child support is for your child(ren), not your ex-wife’s use, and that money would have been spent on them by you if you were still married. Be the bigger person throughout the entire process, even it you find it difficult to do, you will sleep better at night knowing that you did the right thing. Also, do not discuss the divorce or your ex-wife in front of your children, and never under any circumstances, speak negatively about their mother, as it can have negative results with your child(ren).”
Stay calm and put your child(ren) first and yourself second when making decisions that could affect them in any way, directly or indirectly.
“There are two things I would say: First, the sun will rise tomorrow. The saying goes that it is always darkest before the dawn, and it is true. It is going to be bad for awhile, and you should expect that. People are hurting and lives are being changed. But, there is always hope. Hope that things will improve. Hope that if you keep things in perspective and keep your children as the focus, you cannot go wrong. You have to be careful to take care of your greatest asset(s): your kid(s). They are priority one. Second, I always remember one of the best words of advice from my grandfather, ‘Keep your powder dry!’ He normally followed that up with ‘the first one to raise their voice or get upset has already lost the argument.’ Divorce is a giant negotiation and things are going to happen that will upset you. Some of it may be important in the end, but most will not. If you get upset and switch from your intellect to your emotional side, you lose your ability to be rational. You lose perspective. And in the end, you most likely will lose your point. The problem is that nobody tells you these things going into a divorce. That was one of the hardest parts for me is that I really was flying blind. I had no idea what to expect. Things were happening so fast around me that I was putting out little fires, instead of focusing on the important source of the blaze. I really think it would benefit a divorcing dad and mom to have to attend an orientation or seminar on ‘this is what you need to know’.”
“Get support to verbally talk things out with their friends and/or family, as going through this alone is no picnic!”
We humbly thank each of the dads that were candid with us and wholeheartedly appreciate their responses. Divorce isn’t easy, and we know that sharing such deep emotions as these dads did, takes time and deep thinking on their part. Thank you to them all, and Happy Father’s Day! Should you feel the need to reach out to us for information regarding divorce, please do so by calling us at 407-757-2883.
